[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
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I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.