GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
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When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.