If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
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Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️