I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
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Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
This probably isn’t good
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Just grow your own
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?