elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
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Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Best spoiler warning ever
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”