dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
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I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
are they though??
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I should wash my van
We could use the rain