My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
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Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot