WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
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Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?