I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
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[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…