Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
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When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
what
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone