My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
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I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
pelicons
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist