me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
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Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
This will teach them to underestimate me
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.