The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
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Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
You are what you delete.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.