You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
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[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
mom gave me mine for free
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A