interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
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[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”