Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
You Might Also Like
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
i meant to share this earlier
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
😜
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.