Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
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[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Yes, but it was never about money
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.