Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
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Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
love it when they get my name right
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.