“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
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To clean up or just move. This is the question.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?
Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.