HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
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I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
A roof is a house hat.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?