[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
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Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
God has abandoned us.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.