There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
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Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax