roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
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If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
love it when they get my name right
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.