Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
You Might Also Like
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
That de-escalated quickly
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.