Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
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Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Ovenable?
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.