If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
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FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
getting old is fun
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
LOL!
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election