Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
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Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
it must be school picture day
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Modded the new Gran Turismo
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces