Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
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Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.