Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
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Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.