My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
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*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window