two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
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The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?