Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
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It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”