There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
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women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Sheep
Yup….perfect score!
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me