My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
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We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
greetings!
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
why would tinder want me to say this
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Don’t we all.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working