If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
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Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.