[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
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When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
The only good comments section online is on recipes
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies