[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
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Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.