Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
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*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats