[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
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My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
peep davidson
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.