The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
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[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?