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*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.