is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
You Might Also Like
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky