You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
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Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Fights fire with marshmallows
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*