My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
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Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
shut up and take my money
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
is this how new cars are made??
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people