my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
You Might Also Like
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Oh. My. God.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
dam girl
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.