“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
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Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
🌱🌱🌱
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??