Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
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Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Is this you?
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities