Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
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….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I think my mom just blocked me
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.