[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
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Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Just a reminder, folks:
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar