My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
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Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.